Turn It Up: Meditations on Movie Snack Volume

By Meg Gilhespy, Volunteer Coordinator

The ubiquity of the movie snack is indisputable. Popcorn. Candy. Soda. Many have attempted innovations in this arena. In the past half century, we’ve seen the introduction of alcohol, nachos, heinous “treats” such as nerds, etc. All of these indulgences, new and old, regardless of how hateful their presence in theatres is, produce different (sonic) volume levels when consumed. This article aims to answer the question: what is the loudest and quietest movie snack?

I know what you’re thinking. Isn’t the main snack-attraction, popcorn, the loudest? Think again. Popcorn is golden styrofoam with broken up muscle shells in its interior. Your teeth aren’t snapping the popped kernels open, they’re compressing the tiny nature-nuggets into a miniature pancake shaped corn frisbee.

Not like chips. Chips snap, crunch, crumble in your watering mouth. This results in a symphony of racket not dissimilar to the worlds smallest jack hammer jackin’ up barbie’s sidewalk. This is still not the loudest snack. We’re getting there.

Candy, however, gummy candy that is, smacks, squirts, gushes around in the softest teeth-eroding display ever known to man. Still, this is not the loudest.

Hushed movie snacks include but are not limited to ice cream, chili, marshmallow fluff, and mashed potatoes. Essentially anything thick and moist that seldom necessitates slurping or gargling. While these wet delights produce very little noise, one of the quietest movie snacks is chocolate. Chocolate is a sweet fatty pillow that produces a deep, dull sound when snapped. It is consumed in smaller volumes than its salty counterparts, too, and so the volume to time ratio differs greatly. Indeed, were you to cram down a medium-popcorn-sized dump truck load of chocolates, say, Hershey’s kisses, you would regret your choice upon its inevitable resurgence and consequent presence in your family’s silver bowl, used only for popcorn and ejecta. Stay with me. Chocolate is not the quietest.

The quietest movie snack is pudding eaten with your hands.

The loudest is bubble wrap.